The new Godzilla sucked

A Godzilla fan since the 1998 movie made my then 8-year-old self aware of the beastie (don't worry -- it got me watching the older ones), I've been anxiously awaiting the new Godzilla since the first tantalizing previews appeared last May, drooling about how cool he was going to look in all of his modern CG glory. When I found out that some of the same folks involve with Godzilla were involved with Pacific Rim, I just knew the movie was going to be a visual feast of monster badassery.

Unfortunately, however, little Godzilla was to be had in Godzilla. Every time a monster appears promising to wreak havoc, the movie cuts away to another scene. A foot here, a claw there. The director only offers tantalizing glimpses, a schtick that offers little suspense value and quickly gets old. Unfortunately, even after the big reveal, he keeps up the same tactics. The monsters are never on screen for more than five minutes, and all in all, probably take less than 10% of the total showtime.

Unfazed by the lack of monsters fighting, however, critics have been praising the human element of the movie, even though the main character is bland and shows no depth. Like his five-year-old, he is completely non-reactive. Dad home after 14 months? Nothing. A giant monster stomping through town? Nothing. Only the main character's father (Bryan Cranston) provided any emotional punch, but he's offed before the halfway mark.

I went to Godzilla, as I suspect did the vast majority of viewers, to watch bad ass monsters beating the shit out of each other. I mean, who plans to go see Godzilla for the "human element"? If I wanted human drama, I'd watch a soap opera or something.

It didn't even bother me that they tried to make Godzilla some kind of morally good entity that serves to "restore balance to nature" and apparently tries not to hurt people (only doing so on accident). I would even be willing to let it slide that although the plot holds he chases the MUTOs out of a hunting instinct, he doesn't eat them. But I can't just forget how I almost pissed myself in excitement when Godzilla's fins ominously cut through the water and I waited to revel in watching him rampage, and they gave me nothin'.